Saturday, July 7, 2007
will i do anything but wait wait wait? i was overjoyed when i saw his IM right after he had returned. he questioned me about who i was with. but the joy had left as quickly as it had entered. and when he left,the tears wouldnt stop. i'm pathetic arnt i? one minute i tell myself i'm over him, the next i'm crying over him. sorrow. my heart is hurting right now. i am so confused. i seriously don't know what he thinks of me. why does he care so much? and if he cares so much, why does he stop talking to me so quick?? sure, now he IM's me alot, you have to admit. its better than nothing. but why cant we ever manage to keep up a real conversation like we used to? i mean we used to talk about everything. we practically fliped the universe inside out because thats how much we talked. now he IM's me but only talks a few minutes before he goes again. it hurts. it hurts when something so delightful and joyous is taken away just like that. i feel so pathetic and beat up right now. less than an hour ago, my post was somewhat optimistic about this whole situation. now, i feel so pessimistic about it. i know. its my own fault for overthinking and doubting. but can i stop thinking about him? no. no. no. he is on my mind every second of the day. when i wake up, his image pops in my head. as i've mentioned before. he's all i think about. and everything i do, is just for him. right now i'm waiting for him to come back because he told me not to leave. why does he do these things to throw me off?? this reminds me of SAT classes at aci. trick questions and logic thinking and interpretation. i dont think he's coming back . everynight since summer began, i find myself waiting for him. will this be the night where we talk til dawn?? will this finally be the night we actually have a real conversation?? the night still hasnt arrived yet. i hope that it will one night. one night before he leaves for college and enters a whole new chapter of his own life. a life that does not involve minors such as i. i hope we can talk decently for one last time before he leaves. just one last time. i told myself i'd only wait til 1 am. i can't bear to wait any longer. the whole house is quiet. my room is dark. i have to be discreet about what i do in fear to wake up the rest of the house. all for him. and i'll continue to wait everynight. but for now i'm turning in. night.