Friday, July 6, 2007

so i just finished watching "heart of greed" it is so emotional, and it just inspires me to pour out my feelings. i really have nothing to say right now. i feel tired, and sick of everything. tomorrow i'm going laser tagging with viv and other people, but for some reason i'm not really looking forward to it. i feel really skeptical about it. i really want him to go. it sounded for awhile he was interested in going, but i knew he was having doubts so he decided not to. i don't blame him. if i were in his position i'd do the same. but how wonderful would it be if he were to go tomrrow?? the night would be indiscribable. but like always, its nothing but a dream. i hate how i have to check to see if he comes back every 2 minutes. i mean, whats the point right?? so what if he's back. its not like we're gonna talk. i hate it when his screen name isnt idle, because it makes me tempted to IM him, only to get hurt when he doesnt respond. lately, things are getting better. he IMS me now, and i never IM him. i'm scared to IM him, i dont want to seem desperate. things are awkward now. i dont know what he thinks when i IM him. will he think i'm annoying?? will he start to make up excuses in his mind about how to tell me he cant talk to me?? better to just not IM him at all right?? but i can't even explain how hard it is to do that. to see him online and not be able to talk to him. maybe i'm to the point of obsession. He IMED me last night. i didnt actually think it would work though. i just wanted him to have doubts about the situation, i can't believe he fell for it. i put in a random date in my profile, and made it seem like i was going out with someone. immediatly, he IMED me, questioning me and getting mad. i was so happy i was smiling so wide, my cheeks started hurting. so he DOES care. after that, i started doubting as always. was he doing it on purpose? does he only think of me as a little sister? does he think its gross someone would want to go out with me?? was he just being nosy?? i sense that he really does care, but also could careless. again, mixed feelings. i dont like him as much as before now. my feelings are starting to fade away slowly. very slowly. i don't want that to happen because i want to keep liking him. he is my motivation for everything. because of him, i strive to be better, and become a better person. i want to impress him with everything i do. i want him to look at me 2 years later and realize i'm not the 'little girl' he once knew. i want him to know that i'm mature, strong, independent, but am still the 'little girl' at heart. this image of me walking up to him 2 years later appears in my head at least 100 times a day. i know that if i keep him as motivation, i'll be able to suceed in everything. but somehow, this is starting to fade. i am trying my best to hold on very, very tightly. i don't mind getting hurt or shedding tears. its worth it. anything for him is worth it. i question myself sometimes, asking myself would i rather be the type who would hang on and never ever let go, or be the kind who will never experiance pain and greif, and can move on easily? i can answer that question as quickly as the blink of an eye. i wouldn't change anything about how i feel about things whatsoever. if i could choose what kind of emotional person i am, i would pick the kind who holds on tightly in a second. pain, hurt, tears, grief, they are all part of life. they come in the whole package of laugher, happiness, joy, and love. without either of these elements, you can not live life to the fullest. if one only lives to experiance joy and happiness, then they will die without knowing the true meaning of life. even though my heart is broken to pieces and hurts tremedously, i am still happy that i have the ability to love. maybe those who read my blog will think i'm a drama queen, or an obsessed freak. but i just want you to know, if one day you go through a heartbreak, it really helps to let out your feelings. i hope tomrrow goes smoothly, and we are able to have a fun time together. at the end of the school year, i was really upset and depressed for awhile. because i knew once the school year ended, some of my closest, bestest, and people who care for me would be gone. for a fact, he would be gone. and my best friend is moving to texas. what am i supposed to do next year? this year was the best year i've ever had. they say high school is the best four years of your life. i know that this year was the best of those four. every tiny detail, every tear that was shed, all the laughs, the memories. they all made it happen. this year was a miracle, and even though it didnt end perfectly, im not complaining. ive had a better experiance than most people. i'm so grateful for that. i got over the fact that next year won't be as perfect. i know that you can make the most out of everything. i'm not going to let a great oppurtunity pass me by. next year i'm gonna work extra hard. if i want to fulfill my dream, i'm gonna have to. i know i can do it. i beleive anyone can do anything if they try and strive. if i want to see him 2 years again, i know what i have to do to make this dream come true. i just hope i can hold on tight until then and not give up. i want him to know;; NO MATTER WHAT, I'LL MAKE IT. AND I'LL SEE YOU SOON. PLEASE WAIT FOR ME. goodnight :]

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