Thursday, July 5, 2007


i really don't know what to do, or how to say this. but maybe having a blog or diary or something to let out all your feelings really does help you feel better. i feel so pathetic, but honestly, its pretty safe to say that i got over him about 70% now. to be honest, for a while i doubted myself and kept questioning, "will i ever be able to let go?" i mean. it's really dumb of me actually, considering we never even had anything happen between us. maybe it was just me this whole time. i couldve sworn that everything was real for awhile. i couldve sworn that he treated me different from the other girls. and i KNEW that when he looked at me, he felt SOMETHING. even the smallest feeling. i know he did. but the more i think about it, the more doubtful and skeptical i become about this whole situation. questions without answers suddenly flow through me so fast, and every little hope i have for him just dissapears, only to come back seconds later. i havent seen him since school ended. at first the thought that i wouldnt have him by my side next year brings tears to my eyes. i never thought that i would get through it. but it still hurts. i can lie to others and tell them i'm fine. i moved on. that i dont' like him anymore. but i know i can't lie to myself because truth is, i dont know if i'll ever be able to do so. i dont need for us to be together, i dont need him to hold me close or talk to me all night on the phone, or go out with me everyday. no. i dont need any of that. i just want us to be able to have a decent conversation. one that isnt awkward like now. i want things to go back to the way it used to, where we could talk for hours and hours about nothing. where he would actually care about how i feel and especially how i feel about him. i wish he would come and take me for a ride in his car, and mess with me, and make me angry and hit him, and deep down we both knew how much we enjoyed it. i dont think any words can ever express my feelings. i finally understand love songs, and i understand how they feel. to this point, i've always wondered why people always write about love. why all the songs on the radio are about love and heartbreaks and relationships. is love really that important?? now i really know. i know that once you love someone, they are all you think of. they are all you live for. everything you do is for them, even though it really has nothing to do with them. every love song makes my heart hurt, and it makes me unable to breathe. but why can't i turn it off? and shut it out?? just flush away these feelings?? i know why. it's because i'm not ready to let go.. and i dont know when i'll be ready. at night i can't sleep without listening to the soft love songs on the radio. then i'd think about him. i wish with all my heart that he would be mine one day. i hope that one day him and her would be history, and it would be me and him. but i know it would be impossible. the word LOVE has scared me. whenever i think of that word, or see two people deeply in love. the image that pops in my head is her and him together. the feeling? like knives stabbing at my heart. sometimes i scare myself and i think i'm crazy for being so infatuated with someone who doesnt care. i find myself crying when i watch movies with love scenes between two happy lovers. i finally understand when people say love hurts so much you can't breathe. but was it worth it?? definetly. if i were to go back in time and do it all over again. i'd do the exact same thing. to me, its better to love and get hurt than to never love at all...

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