so this weekend was so awesome. i am still tired from it. i got home at 12:30 from knotts on sunday night and i was sooo tired i couldnt even eat. that day was seriously so fun. it was the funnest day of my summer so far. and i bonded w/ everyone. and there were no lines so we rode on alot of rides. so yesterday morning when i woke up it felt like i was spinning. crazy. mom and dad are really busy w/ the back house and fixing it up in time for auntie ying and her family to come. i really am very excited about their arrival. i love auntie ying so much because shes so easy to talk to and fun to be around. but a big part of me is skeptical about it, because they arnt just coming for a few weeks for vacation or anything. they're gonna stay here forever, and that can change many aspects of my life drastically. for example, i can't act the way i do and comfortably anymore because along w/ auntie ying is her son and daughter, and uncle king. so i really dont know about this. but i'm so excited that they're coming because i havent seen my cousins since i was like four years old. and i HOPE with all my heart that i can get along w/ them, because if i can't that would be a pain in the butt if i have to live with them. when the get here, we are gonna go on vacation and little places. i'm so excited. they come on friday, which is they day after vivian leaves. i think the reason why i'm not sad about vivian leaving is because i'm forcing myself not to accept the fact that she is. i dont know what i'm gonna do without her. even though sometimes we compete with each other secretively, it just makes our friendship more fun. from now on, i'm on my own. i wont have her to help me with anything, and i can't tell her anymore of my secrets, or just go over to her house and hang out, or go anywhere with her. i dont know what i'm gonna do. shes my best friend, the one who understands me the most, who would listen to me. we can do anything together and have fun. and we trust each other. i dont trust any of my other friends, and i can't talk to them as comfortable as i can with vivian. vivian is everything a friend should be. i hope we don't lose touch, or grow apart when she moves, even though i know thats almost impossible. the thought of her not being here by my side anymore hurts alot. how can it be possible that i'm going through so much heartbreaks and pain right now? why does it feel like everyone and everything that was once the greatest joy in my life is now dying? am i to be left with nothing ? no friendship, no love, no hope. as of right now, the two most important people to me, (besides parents of course) is vivian and him. both are leaving. what am i going to do?

so right now i'm getting ready to go to knotts. i'm so excited. we havnet hung out in a while. yesterday was fun. however our night as we planned it didnt go the way we wanted to. but it still turned out great. it was just 6 people, and in the end we were SO tired. i kept thinking about him though. because i'm so confused about the night before when he talked to me. anyway i'll update more later.

so after everything that happend last night, i finally got my wish. even though it wasnt ALL night. we talked for a good while. longer and less awkward than all our conversations. although the end didnt turn out the way i wanted to, it was still perfect. for some reason he just stopped talking at the end. so i gave up and went to bed. but i was happy still. at first we were fighting, and i was seriously mad at him. he kept pushing me to tell him who the guy was. it got me frustrated and made me feel dumb because there is no other guy. its him. he got so mad he cussed at me and signed off. i was so mad. i found out he was still on and i yelled at him. then he knew i was really mad, and he made me happy again. i really dont know about him anymore. each minute i spend with him i feel different things. in the end, it all sums up to confusion. one minute im happy, the next i keep laughing, then i get angry, then i become frustrated. i'm waiting for mom to come back w/ food and money so i could go to vivians house. i hope tonight i forget about everything and i can just have a fun night. i'm really looking forward to tomorrow though. its crystals bday party and we're going to knotts :] anyway i better go get ready.

will i do anything but wait wait wait? i was overjoyed when i saw his IM right after he had returned. he questioned me about who i was with. but the joy had left as quickly as it had entered. and when he left,the tears wouldnt stop. i'm pathetic arnt i? one minute i tell myself i'm over him, the next i'm crying over him. sorrow. my heart is hurting right now. i am so confused. i seriously don't know what he thinks of me. why does he care so much? and if he cares so much, why does he stop talking to me so quick?? sure, now he IM's me alot, you have to admit. its better than nothing. but why cant we ever manage to keep up a real conversation like we used to? i mean we used to talk about everything. we practically fliped the universe inside out because thats how much we talked. now he IM's me but only talks a few minutes before he goes again. it hurts. it hurts when something so delightful and joyous is taken away just like that. i feel so pathetic and beat up right now. less than an hour ago, my post was somewhat optimistic about this whole situation. now, i feel so pessimistic about it. i know. its my own fault for overthinking and doubting. but can i stop thinking about him? no. no. no. he is on my mind every second of the day. when i wake up, his image pops in my head. as i've mentioned before. he's all i think about. and everything i do, is just for him. right now i'm waiting for him to come back because he told me not to leave. why does he do these things to throw me off?? this reminds me of SAT classes at aci. trick questions and logic thinking and interpretation. i dont think he's coming back . everynight since summer began, i find myself waiting for him. will this be the night where we talk til dawn?? will this finally be the night we actually have a real conversation?? the night still hasnt arrived yet. i hope that it will one night. one night before he leaves for college and enters a whole new chapter of his own life. a life that does not involve minors such as i. i hope we can talk decently for one last time before he leaves. just one last time. i told myself i'd only wait til 1 am. i can't bear to wait any longer. the whole house is quiet. my room is dark. i have to be discreet about what i do in fear to wake up the rest of the house. all for him. and i'll continue to wait everynight. but for now i'm turning in. night.

so i just finished watching "heart of greed" it is so emotional, and it just inspires me to pour out my feelings. i really have nothing to say right now. i feel tired, and sick of everything. tomorrow i'm going laser tagging with viv and other people, but for some reason i'm not really looking forward to it. i feel really skeptical about it. i really want him to go. it sounded for awhile he was interested in going, but i knew he was having doubts so he decided not to. i don't blame him. if i were in his position i'd do the same. but how wonderful would it be if he were to go tomrrow?? the night would be indiscribable. but like always, its nothing but a dream. i hate how i have to check to see if he comes back every 2 minutes. i mean, whats the point right?? so what if he's back. its not like we're gonna talk. i hate it when his screen name isnt idle, because it makes me tempted to IM him, only to get hurt when he doesnt respond. lately, things are getting better. he IMS me now, and i never IM him. i'm scared to IM him, i dont want to seem desperate. things are awkward now. i dont know what he thinks when i IM him. will he think i'm annoying?? will he start to make up excuses in his mind about how to tell me he cant talk to me?? better to just not IM him at all right?? but i can't even explain how hard it is to do that. to see him online and not be able to talk to him. maybe i'm to the point of obsession. He IMED me last night. i didnt actually think it would work though. i just wanted him to have doubts about the situation, i can't believe he fell for it. i put in a random date in my profile, and made it seem like i was going out with someone. immediatly, he IMED me, questioning me and getting mad. i was so happy i was smiling so wide, my cheeks started hurting. so he DOES care. after that, i started doubting as always. was he doing it on purpose? does he only think of me as a little sister? does he think its gross someone would want to go out with me?? was he just being nosy?? i sense that he really does care, but also could careless. again, mixed feelings. i dont like him as much as before now. my feelings are starting to fade away slowly. very slowly. i don't want that to happen because i want to keep liking him. he is my motivation for everything. because of him, i strive to be better, and become a better person. i want to impress him with everything i do. i want him to look at me 2 years later and realize i'm not the 'little girl' he once knew. i want him to know that i'm mature, strong, independent, but am still the 'little girl' at heart. this image of me walking up to him 2 years later appears in my head at least 100 times a day. i know that if i keep him as motivation, i'll be able to suceed in everything. but somehow, this is starting to fade. i am trying my best to hold on very, very tightly. i don't mind getting hurt or shedding tears. its worth it. anything for him is worth it. i question myself sometimes, asking myself would i rather be the type who would hang on and never ever let go, or be the kind who will never experiance pain and greif, and can move on easily? i can answer that question as quickly as the blink of an eye. i wouldn't change anything about how i feel about things whatsoever. if i could choose what kind of emotional person i am, i would pick the kind who holds on tightly in a second. pain, hurt, tears, grief, they are all part of life. they come in the whole package of laugher, happiness, joy, and love. without either of these elements, you can not live life to the fullest. if one only lives to experiance joy and happiness, then they will die without knowing the true meaning of life. even though my heart is broken to pieces and hurts tremedously, i am still happy that i have the ability to love. maybe those who read my blog will think i'm a drama queen, or an obsessed freak. but i just want you to know, if one day you go through a heartbreak, it really helps to let out your feelings. i hope tomrrow goes smoothly, and we are able to have a fun time together. at the end of the school year, i was really upset and depressed for awhile. because i knew once the school year ended, some of my closest, bestest, and people who care for me would be gone. for a fact, he would be gone. and my best friend is moving to texas. what am i supposed to do next year? this year was the best year i've ever had. they say high school is the best four years of your life. i know that this year was the best of those four. every tiny detail, every tear that was shed, all the laughs, the memories. they all made it happen. this year was a miracle, and even though it didnt end perfectly, im not complaining. ive had a better experiance than most people. i'm so grateful for that. i got over the fact that next year won't be as perfect. i know that you can make the most out of everything. i'm not going to let a great oppurtunity pass me by. next year i'm gonna work extra hard. if i want to fulfill my dream, i'm gonna have to. i know i can do it. i beleive anyone can do anything if they try and strive. if i want to see him 2 years again, i know what i have to do to make this dream come true. i just hope i can hold on tight until then and not give up. i want him to know;; NO MATTER WHAT, I'LL MAKE IT. AND I'LL SEE YOU SOON. PLEASE WAIT FOR ME. goodnight :]

heartbreaker

i really don't know what to do, or how to say this. but maybe having a blog or diary or something to let out all your feelings really does help you feel better. i feel so pathetic, but honestly, its pretty safe to say that i got over him about 70% now. to be honest, for a while i doubted myself and kept questioning, "will i ever be able to let go?" i mean. it's really dumb of me actually, considering we never even had anything happen between us. maybe it was just me this whole time. i couldve sworn that everything was real for awhile. i couldve sworn that he treated me different from the other girls. and i KNEW that when he looked at me, he felt SOMETHING. even the smallest feeling. i know he did. but the more i think about it, the more doubtful and skeptical i become about this whole situation. questions without answers suddenly flow through me so fast, and every little hope i have for him just dissapears, only to come back seconds later. i havent seen him since school ended. at first the thought that i wouldnt have him by my side next year brings tears to my eyes. i never thought that i would get through it. but it still hurts. i can lie to others and tell them i'm fine. i moved on. that i dont' like him anymore. but i know i can't lie to myself because truth is, i dont know if i'll ever be able to do so. i dont need for us to be together, i dont need him to hold me close or talk to me all night on the phone, or go out with me everyday. no. i dont need any of that. i just want us to be able to have a decent conversation. one that isnt awkward like now. i want things to go back to the way it used to, where we could talk for hours and hours about nothing. where he would actually care about how i feel and especially how i feel about him. i wish he would come and take me for a ride in his car, and mess with me, and make me angry and hit him, and deep down we both knew how much we enjoyed it. i dont think any words can ever express my feelings. i finally understand love songs, and i understand how they feel. to this point, i've always wondered why people always write about love. why all the songs on the radio are about love and heartbreaks and relationships. is love really that important?? now i really know. i know that once you love someone, they are all you think of. they are all you live for. everything you do is for them, even though it really has nothing to do with them. every love song makes my heart hurt, and it makes me unable to breathe. but why can't i turn it off? and shut it out?? just flush away these feelings?? i know why. it's because i'm not ready to let go.. and i dont know when i'll be ready. at night i can't sleep without listening to the soft love songs on the radio. then i'd think about him. i wish with all my heart that he would be mine one day. i hope that one day him and her would be history, and it would be me and him. but i know it would be impossible. the word LOVE has scared me. whenever i think of that word, or see two people deeply in love. the image that pops in my head is her and him together. the feeling? like knives stabbing at my heart. sometimes i scare myself and i think i'm crazy for being so infatuated with someone who doesnt care. i find myself crying when i watch movies with love scenes between two happy lovers. i finally understand when people say love hurts so much you can't breathe. but was it worth it?? definetly. if i were to go back in time and do it all over again. i'd do the exact same thing. to me, its better to love and get hurt than to never love at all...